Dealing with "New Kid" anxiety...

So let me premise this by saying that I have no idea if this is the correct place for a thread like this. I have been tinkering with Unity for over a year now with a very fundamental understanding of Javascript. I have recently made the decision that I will be putting forth the effort into releasing something small as a start to this career path I have chosen.

Now, I love coding and learning new things, but I have also discovered that I am extremely self-conscious about my skills as a developer as I have no schooling for it and am trying to teach myself. This wasn’t holding me back much before, but since making my decision about putting forth this small game and committing to this as a goal; I have been having some panic attacks and other anxiety issues. Again, I wouldn’t call it serious, but I was wondering how often this was a thing for newer devs, or veteran ones, and what they do in order to deal with it.

I personally have found a lot of relaxing music on Youtube by searching “Delta Waves” and listen to that while writing my codes and looking through Unity.

 

I've only gotten a panic attack once in PLDC and I just quietly sat through it until the Staff Sergeants teaching us let go outside for a recess. In my case, it wasn't caused by the subject matter they were talking about at all, but to sitting too long without taking sufficient brakes to get exercise and movement. It's not natural. The reason for your panic attack maybe different for you. Are you planning on creating an good original game or just going for the shock effect to try and make a quick buck out of notoriety?

Working alone you should have no anxiety unless it's the game genre and what is being done in the game that is causing you upset. No one is forcing you to sit like I was forced to sit. If so, chose a write a game that doesn't upset you. No one sees your code with a compiled/interpreted product so you need only test that it work.

You can write complete non-sensible logic using 100% correct grammar and you can write philosophical masterpieces using atrocious grammar. And so it is with your coding. The only thing that matters is if the game you wrote is good.

 

I am making a simple incremental game to test my skills more or less... The panic attack came from a bug and not knowing how to figure it out and then the downwards spiral of thoughts such as "If I can't figure this out, what am I even doing?" I am hyper critical of myself and things needing to be done right the first time... not as extreme as a perfectionist, bit similar?

I hear what you are saying, and sitting for a long period may have contributed to it as well, so breaks are more needed than I thought too.

 

Well I never had panic attack from coding, only from being forced to sit around too much. I did fear once I would be fired when I found out on one of my ledger programs that accountants put the minus sign on ledgers after the number, not before the number and that my mistake of putting the minus sign before the number caused about 5000 stores daily financial reports to fail to be generated. They thought if was funny since it was my 1st program and I kept my job though.

 

I imagine this is a common thing for new coders. I've been a developer for (mostly web, recently game) for 5 years now, and I still find myself overwhelmed and frustrated by things at times. Anecdote time!

I graduated from a community college with a 2 year degree in web development. Within a month, I had landed a paid internship at an agency (this was, however, the only place that responded to my application out of the 30 or so places I applied to). It didn't take long after starting there to get the feeling that I actually knew nothing about what I had to do for a living. I could barely read JavaScript! Meanwhile, my trainer/mentor was a self-taught kind of guy who seemed to be amazing at everything, regardless of having ever done it before.

It took a while, but I started to get it. You just do things before you understand them. You'll write thousands and thousands of lines of S***ty code. You'll spend hours upon hours trying to debug the simplest problems (you're missing a semicolon!). And that's how you get better. There's no substitute for experience, after all.

Nobody is born knowing how to write code, or even having a clue how it works. It's actually the perfect definition of an unnatural act. You have to train your brain to think like a programmer. And like any training regimen, it takes time, practice, and patience. Otherwise known as experience. Sooner or later, you'll find yourself evaluating real world objects and defining classes that could define them. You'll be able to write regular expressions without having to look them up. And you'll see a compiler error and know exactly where to look and what to look for. You'll still have plenty of headaches and frustrating nights staring at the screen, but you'll be making progress. That's one of the great things about our field; you'll always have room to improve.

Don't give up yet. And don't be self-conscious about your code. Everyone was a beginner at some point. Just don't be an ass, and most people will be happy to help.

 

Thanks guys, this does help a lot! I am not dissuaded from coding, but it is just something I have noticed in the past day or so.

 

It happens. Not just in coding. In every creative field. I've felt those moments. I tackled them by coming to terms with two truths: no one has any idea what they are doing and the only way to get better is by doing more work. Don't give up.

 

Just so you know, in college I would be in the commons with the terminals on Friday evenings way late learning how to code. You have to be persistent, interested, and want to do good work. And I've also seen other fellows in my class on those following Mondays slap and hit terminals in frustration, toss pencils at terminals, and dig through the recycle bin looking for discarded code they can reuse and patch. I estimate about 25% of those that graduated probably should have been expelled for ethics violations of one type or another, myself include as I'd often hand out my code after completing it.

Coding ain't easy. Exhausting, draining, and frustrating but no need to have panic attacks. Save that if you are ever are sys admin or coder for important systems but you'd better learn anyway to remain calm and proceed logically, reservedly, and safely. I've watch my mates I was training have panic attacks but they'd calm down when they seen I was laughing and tell them it's only a bank computer - it doesn't feel pain and there are back ups. Now if I was administering a computerized traffic system maybe my heart would stomach would jump into my heart too.

 

Just keep making as many bugs as you can, its the only way to get better at squashing them.

 

If panic attacks are a persistiant thing it might be worth seeking profesional advice. There is only so much support we can give you from here.

My general advice when encountering difficult bugs is to step away from the problem. Go outside, get some fresh air, let you mind dwell on something else for a couple of hours. You'll be amazed how much of a difference coming back fresh makes.

And remember, you are making a game. It's supposed to be fun. Noone is going to die if you can't fix the bug.

And since we are sharing acendotes, it's an incredibally sobering experiance to walk down a corridor and count people you work with on a daily basis as casualties for a risk assessment. When you can name every one in the blast radius if you mess up, that's high pressure.

 

I like this quote, and that is also good advice. I appreciate all the helpful thoughts here!

 

I'm already convinced you're better than 70% of college graduates. With the amount of theory, impractical experience and amount of work you can skip and still pass a course, it's really up to the individual to actually do the work. I take easy classes and use them as independent studies to take the general topics in the course material and turn them into a big project. School has been a big waste of time so far (even taking the harder courses offered little that isn't a google away), so don't worry about it.

Except your business, because corporations are people! heh.

 

Wha, these days people get anxiety attacks from using computers for leisure? Wow. Just a few years ago people had anxiety attacks for real things like putting food on the table or keeping a job. Sorry, no sympathy.

IMO slap yourself and consider yourself lucky.

 

You made a choice and didn't commit. You'll always feel like a wet noodle until you accept that its your choice and job to do it so un-invert your gonads and get on with life. Much harder choices are coming.

 

Well, we are still in the touchy-feely era. Even businesses are allowed to discriminate at random if serving a particular customer would make them uncomfortable. *cough* Indiana *cough*

Again, it's one of those American issues that you should let us handle internally and don't worry if it doesn't make sense. In Texas just the other day, a family believed their son to be possessed by a demon and put him on a 25 day fast. Surprise, he died of starvation, surprise, they took him to a church to be resurrected, surprise... it failed.

Let that thought distract you from this / bring you to realize that it's the better side of things going on in our country right now lol.

Sounds like a new niche for specialized chiropractors!

 

Touchy Feely error? I don't think so. No with what's on television, in the news, and being published as game entertainment.

Don't confuse that a spoiled brat's desire to manipulate empathy for selfish reasons with a touchy-feely empathy for others. Such behavior is crass, selfish, and manipulative.

So in that sense, Indiana has it right. I tend to not want to do business when the customers reveal they are purposely going to be trolling and threatening me the entire time I'm serving them so they can 'enjoy' their superior moral societal position. You don't need to be Cotton Mather to be evil. Those 'crusaders' with the news media in tow are no better than Cotton Mather.

Heaven forbid if I can't deny sale of weaponry to such touchy-feely people.

Geez, isn't life nice when you can take vengeance upon innocent people because you perceive yourself to be morally superior? Let's just force people of the German nation and the State of Indiana to put on Hitler Halloween masks to make it easier for these crusading Cotton Mathers to continue their Inquisition and their attempts to found Gay Caliphates.

No thanks.

But if the OP author has experienced more than one panic attack in a year he should visit a doctor. If you've had a real panic attack you won't mistake it for being upset or frustrated. the best way to describe it is an overwhelming fear that you can't identify the cause of, so the best solution is to change the environment or what you are doing when they occur if that isn't irrational or unsafe.

 

Sad to see a thread about someone asking for advice on getting started in the industry turn into a platform for people to belittle and state hateful opinions.

Is having a panic attack over code an extreme reaction? Who's to say. I don't think it's really about that, though. It's dealing with the struggle of doubting one's life decisions, which I think every single one of us has done at some point. And just because that person is living in the first world and not struggling to put food on their family doesn't mean they have no perspective or appreciation for the plight of others.

Lighten up, guys.

 

I am lightened up and I know the situation. I will not condone these Cotton Mather types by ignoring those seeking to go out of witch hunts to persecute the innocent.

 

@goat I just don't get what homophobia and Hitler have to do with the OP's post is all. Or Cotton Mather.

 

So says ye with the avatar of an angry soldier ready to cleave any onlooker in two

The internet is all about interconnectedness. Everything is related to everything in this mad, mad world.

 

I don't think it's common or normal to have anxiety attacks over creating a piece of software... not if it's just you and there's not like bosses breathing down your neck and stressful deadlines etc.... sounds to me that you're putting too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. What that really means is, deep down you believe you are flawed and imperfect, insecure, and have to constantly improve yourself. That's the lie that you need to face, learning to unconditionally love and accept the parts of you that you currently believe are unacceptable. Be easier on yourself and counteract that self criticism. I agree with others you have some general issues that you need to deal with that aren't specifically to do with development, more personal development.

Ignore some of the extroverted idiots on this thread who come across as heartless and incompassionate. "be a man" is bs.

 

Scheider21, as I said I know of the news of *Indiana* and those that have been threatened by the these 'crusaders'. Rejecting witch hunts and their leaders is very relevant.

How is it relevant? Let's see, if I watch the news everyday and there is all this news of violence and hate. I have unexplained panic attacks that I'm not sure of the cause. Isn't panic a safety response to escape an oppressive and threatening environment? Yes it is. Wild animals have panic attacks all the time. With humans in our environments the cause of the panic attacks isn't always so straight forward to ascertain. So one should behave civilly and stop going on witch hunts that have folk like the OP panicking that what they do isn't good enough. No of us should desire to denigrate the self-worth of others such that they feel they need to abuse drugs and alcohol to avoid feelings of worthlessness and inferiority or to feel they need to engage in or condone violent coercive speech or physical intimidation to establish their worth as human beings.

That's what I find upsetting about these folk out on witch hunts with the media in tow. It's purposely trying to provoke innocent people into angry reactions. Far from wanting to persecute people I want those inventing grievances for thinly veiled political, ethnic, gender, sexual, and religious excuses to stop that behavior. Churches, synagogues, mosques and religions of all sorts should welcome gays, the drug and alcohol addicted and those down on their luck to help them break the chains of drug dependency and being led by elements of organized crime producing and selling drugs. What they shouldn't welcome is those that want to enter these institutions to dictate to them, not only must they accept that they are gay or drug addicted or whatever, we know that they can't change that, but also the drug addiction, unreasonable promiscuity, and other destructive behaviour in addition to that. Uh, no. The drug addictions can be broken, the gay component, the ethnicity, and so on, they cannot.

Empathy is a pretty simple concept. Don't harm others, yourself, and help those that need help.

Now where in that concept do you see need for definitions of race, gender, sexuality, religion, and age or codified in law books? You don't. However, what is on the news all the time? Grow up America.

 

You should see a doctor. It might be something else or something easily fixed through medication or biofeedback. It could be a blood pressure issue. Don't ignore it. Sometimes just going and talking to a medical professional makes you feel less anxiety.

I have had one panic attack in my life and it was over health issues. Once I knew I was okay, I never had one again..so far at least. At the moment of the panic attack, I and those around me thought I was having a heart attack. It was terrifying. I absolutely feel for you. I have learned over the years that while it might be commendable to work through some things, it is much more efficient to go talk to an expert. Then you can get on with your coding and your life.

Hope you are feeling better already.

 

One time I went into a sort of "panic attack feedback loop"... suffering severe anger issues, which would lead to arguments in my marriage, which would lead almost crippeling anxiety, which lead to panic attacks, which lead to depression, misunderstanding in my marriage and then back to anger again. The panic attacks would strike me almost without warning and it was one of the hardest times in my life. Turns out, I had a resting blood pressure of 165/110 and that was the root cause of EVERYTHING.

I'm not sure that's the level of panic attack you're describing, what you're going through reminds me of how I would feel when taking finals in college. The cause of your anxiety is that you are putting too much "weight" or emphasis on the importance of getting the code right. Instead of going "Whoa that's wierd, this code didn't behave the way I expected, let's have fun figuring out what's going on and how to fix it!" you're going "OH MY GOD I'm not cut out for this, coding is the only way I'll make it in life, I HAVE TO BE GOOD AT THIS OR I WILL BE A FAILURE AS A PERSON!" That's too much... you need to "trust" in God, or Karma, or the Universe that if you simply work hard, you can have fun doing it and the solutions to the problems will just come. Coding is like any other skill, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Keep doing it... have fun with it. If worry could add just one hair to your head, or one extra day to your life perhaps there would be value to it... but trust me friend, there is ZERO value in fear of this type.

 

( ͡͡ ° ͜ ʖ ͡ °)

That's what makes intelligent life so amazing

It's not that easy for everyone, but I do agree. I didn't include myself in that touchy-feely-era generalization. But there is a pretty big emphasis on how people feel these days, and sometimes it trumps common sense (in places like indiana, texas, probably florida, etc).

 

Good! Feeling is life, imho. And of all things, only feelings are entirely honest. You can lie or fake it, but what you feel is real.

Not sure where you are going with this, Tomnnn, but as a resident of Florida...I think there could be a lot more "feeling" around here and a little less treating people like pawns in some big game. Common sense is equally important, but it should always be tempered with empathy. We are all humans, and we can all put ourselves in the shoes of another, regardless of how different we are.

I suspect, however, based on my discussions with you on other things that you are blaming "feelings" for some of the really unbelievable things that have happened in the states you have mentioned. But really, those things happen when powerful people start manipulating the feelings of others. Dogma and prejudiced are the evil here, not feelings. You would be surprised how people change when they are exposed to the feelings of someone different from them.

Anyway, it is nice to see people supporting the OP.

 

Well I do include myself as being a touchy-feely person which makes the naked crass manipulation of others for selfish and bigoted reasons that is so prevalent in the media and in politics so upsetting. I have to severely curtail my exposure to the media because of such behavior.

Yes we need to make a living but not when it hurts others.

 

That was regarding horrible things I would rather not say like certain businesses not serving people they find icky.

@Teila you know it's only a matter of time before Florida adopts similar legislature. Don't tell me you think scott walker, mr free speech violator, is going to bring Florida anywhere except down / possibly under water

I can't get enough of internet news so I can hear about the horrible things going on every day globally. I understand that it's terrible, but my feelings are not aroused. I think my empathy is broken, halp!

 

Tomnnn, I think you know how I feel about all that. However, this is not the place for it. If you want to talk about it in a private conversation, you know where to find me. Besides, you have the wrong governor. Walker is Wisconsin. lol

 

Well I had to look up just now on Google the latest news for all three states and it's more crime from what I could see and mostly related to the drug trade, so nothing is new there. Using touch-feely subjects like religion, sexuality, and ethnicity in an attempt by those involved in the drug and human trafficking trades to avoid the closer inspection the rest of entire population in general goes through every day isn't really acceptable. And it's naïve of the general populace to allow themselves to be so nakedly manipulated by such crime syndicates.

The concept free speech is used to abuse people's moral sensibilities and pressure them into accepting abusive behavior. Declining to serve people that seek to abuse you is smart, not icky.

@Tomn - I don't think being informed and desiring to change thing to be better is a lack of empathy. Being the cause of that news is a lack of empathy.

 

Seriously people can we take the political/religious debate to it's own thread please?

 

I agree. In a thread about anxiety, this is totally unwelcome and doesn't help at all.

 

No. Like myself avoiding news & network television, so you can simply refuse to read this thread in the gossip section of the forums.

That said, generally speaking, conceptually the ideas has been expressed and the discussion has run it's course.

And the OP should really see a doctor.

 

I had a similar crisis a few years back right after I founded Gigi Games. The thing about being a founder is that EVERYTHING became my responsibility - ideas, execution, funding. And, I began asking, "Who am I to do this?" I began suffering from Imposter Syndrome.

The pressure was intense. Overwhelming.

About that time, I found MindSet (by Carol Dweck). That's where I first heard of the term, fixed mindset. In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, intelligence, and talent, are fixed traits. They also believe that talent creates success. The more I read about the fixed mindset, the more I saw myself. After all, Gigi Games was just me. There was no else to blame. If Gigi failed, it'd be because I wasn't talented enough. It'd mean I was a failure.

And yet, Dweck's book also introduced another term, the growth mindset. In a growth mindset, people believe that abilities are developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just a starting point. This view creates a desire to learn and a resilience towards failure. She described simple experiments with kids and complex experiments with adults. And in every one, the research showed that the fixed mindset drastically reduced a person's ability in the long term. And further, that the vast majority of successes in our world had a growth mindset.

I began thinking about how it might apply in my life. And, that led me to Ericsson's idea of Deliberate Practice, which in the simplest of terms is: 'deliberately practicing things ALMOST beyond my ability.' I found compelling videos about the evolution of the world's greatest minds. I discovered that companies like Rovio had 52 failures first. That great companies use Bullets-Then-Canonballs, which means failure, failure, and more failure, first.

I set shorter goals, and gave myself permission to fail. I began deliberately structuring my timelines so that I would finish, even if imperfect, even if it sucked - I would build actual products for the world to see. I came up with my mantra: Try; Fail; Improve. And friends in these very forums helped me tweak that to Try; Improve; Repeat. In the years since, I've had LOTS of failures. And in that same time, I've released 9 Indie products. I've also improved my marriage, parenting, and game design skills. I began mentoring young developers, published new papers, and won several awards. I learned to tell stories, integrated 'Yes ... And' into my life, and became a better communicator. And that's before considering my day job, where I've been promoted from Senior Developer to Tech Lead to Technical Director, until eventually, AAA companies began pursuing me!

Maybe your panic is a little like mine. And if so, consider that Mindset was one of the best investments of my life.

Gigi

 

D:

Wait who am I thinking of that everyone on the board was trying to make scott something or something walker say 'climate change' but they couldn't because it's been outlawed for florida officials to say those words?! I'm getting my stupids mixed up :c Probably a result of allocating most of my memory to not-very-ethically passing my exams this week. All of my references & jokes have been slightly off. I made a quick remark-joke about a friend who brought in a silver coated cookie about being in the 'poor part of dubai' since dubai is a crazy wealthy place and if your stuff isn't gold it would be diamond (extra rich) or silver (less rich). Then I realized my friend was indian and dubai is not in india. Heh.

Thanks for that ^-^ I'll do my best to wear this human skin.

Did you achieve success within 2 years? I can't help but wonder how my previous boss Zag (Keene) is feeling. They had 1 successful other game, but now TDL is on its second year and they just had to restart the whole alpha process with another engine change!

 

Alright, so now I have some things to say...

First, I wasn't coming here to start a pity party, so to the negative kids in the room, you can leave now... Second, I created this thread as a means to see how many OTHERS were going through this, not just focus on my own. I have gone through many various forms of counseling for personal issues, yes these tie into the panic attacks I had, but again the point wasn't to say "Holy *uck, I need pity naowz!" I wanted to create an outlet for others who may have felt similar and see just how common it is... Panic Attacks are more common than people think, not all forms of them are crippling, mine aren't, but they set the mind into a hyperfocus and downwards spiral... I know how to deal with mine, but this one was stronger than usual.

Thirdly, thank you to Goat, Schneider21, Bredin, Delinx32, BoredMormon, Tomnnn, Imaginary Human, .Teila, DreamMaster and Gigiwoo. Your kind words were heard, they do mean a lot and helped in days after deemed "recovery stage"

Fourth, I apologize if I didn't communicate in the original post about this being for more people than just me, maybe that was my fault, but I wish that this thread continue for those who may have been affected to know that there are more than just 1 person dealing with this and that you can talk here if needed. Aside from that, can we keep the political / religious stuff out of here and stop derailing this thread now?

Thanks!

 

Chill. You won't change people's mind on the forum, or make the internet a nice place for the asking. That's what the ignore button is for.

 

It's a good opportunity for him to experience it though. Being vulnerable online is a no-no. There are so many levels of F***ed up that can happen since you're exposed to literally every kind of person - unrestrained and anonymous. Exposing a vulnerability like this could fire off a trigger in someone's mind to pretend to be there for you, ultimately in several weeks to steal your credit card lol.

 

How should we define success? If it means, achieving financial independence, with products developed in my spare time, then no. However, I suppose success could also mean reaching 200,000 users, earning $9k/year side money, or releasing a series of highly reviewed products. It could also mean improving my skills so much that I won awards, got multiple promotions, and was eventually pursued by AAA companies. Though, in truth, many of those took three years, not two.

I started with a five year mission and am grateful that I stumbled upon the growth mindset early on. That led to the life hack of deliberate practice - try things ALMOST beyond my ability; improve; repeat. I've been doing that for four years straight. Now that I have a year left, I suspect that in some ways, I will have failed. In others, I'm already a success.

Gigi

 

Yeah Tomnnn is right. You'll have to man or woman up and get on with it or you'll crash and burn. The internet is the LAST place you should go for sympathy. It's a big and common mistake to rely on it instead of real friends or family.

For instance if your hair caught alight and left you with a permanently scarred half-afro, to be shunned by society, I'd just cruelly laugh. While friends and family would actually care.

 

@hippocoder some people even get PTSD from online harassment. You know it's true because they're self diagnosis is 1 out of 1 accurate [probably] and [self] verified.

I feel like some people shouldn't use social media, hah. Rather than have sensitivity & trigger warnings all over the internet, it'd be great if they made people get tested before browsing. Show them a picture of a dead baby. If they react at all in a way that is negative, block / hide 60% of the internet for that user.

 

Maybe a dead baby is taking it a touch too far but it's clear society needs to be a little more thick skinned or eventually nobody will be able to cope with even the smallest things.

 

You can find things way worse on 4chan or rotten. And I'm not talking about a flat out block on all sites, just the ones that aren't pg-13 or stalker-friendly.

 

We have always lived in a world where people are preyed upon by others, from early in our civilized history. Masters preying on slaves, snake oil men preying on people with poor health, cosmetic surgeons preying on the vain...it happens everywhere, not just on the internet. There is a certain amount of personal responsibility here. I really doubt having anxiety attacks is going to make a person more likely to hand over their credit card to a stranger.

Seems to me the OP did get some good advice. See a professional.

 

Yes I did, but again this wasn't a personal searching session... I was doing this so others may read this and feel like they aren't alone and I do feel this part is being neglected here...

 

Maybe you can feel glad about humanity as a whole that there is a lack of unity game developers who feel this way. We're all either thick skinned or internet-tempered.